The average person lives 79 years or 28,835 days.  Today is the 16,858 day of my life, which means 58% of my life has been lived, should I live the average lifespan.  But do I want to live average, be it the average lifespan or living an average life?
      What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.  When tomorrow comes this day will forever be gone leaving in its place something I’ve traded it for.  What have I been willing to trade my day for?  Where has my focus, intention and energy been placed throughout my life?
      Time is fleeting, the moments just a glimmer in time that remind me how I have lived those days.  Be it with intention, running from my demons, standing tall in adversity, wrapping myself into the fetal position, avoiding the hard things or embracing the challenges. Looking back on my life puts my time into perspective and helps be to figure out where I want to be and what I want my life to look like.  Where will I allow my energy to be used, who will have access to my heart, whose cup will I fill and allow the same in return, to boldly ask for help when it is needed and to be completely open and honest, even if it hurts.

What random or crazy things do you think about?  What hypothetical situations do you play out in your mind?  What are some of the most bizarre things that just pop into your head at the strangest times?  What keeps you up at night?

Now, how do you quiet your mind and return to a place of reality?  Some of us compartmentalize, ignore it, shut down, disassociate, wish for the best, pray, procrastinate, distract ourselves, stay busy, or maybe devise a plan.  Do you tend to lean towards the negative aspects or try to find the positives?

I know my mind is either in full-tilt chaos or completely shut down, there is no in-between, it's everything or nothing.  How do we unlearn the survival skills that may not be as beneficial as we thought and learn to live fully in the moments we are gifted?

Have you ever had a dream so vivid and real that you woke up truly believing that it happened?  Positive or negative in context, you woke up feeling those emotions that went along with it? 
I have a reoccurring nightmare that is so realistic that I wake up feeling guilty, ashamed, and furious with myself.  I then have to evaluate where I am and reason with myself that it isn't true, it didn't happen.

Did you know that nightmares are also known as parasomnia and there are three different types?  The three types of nightmares are idiopathic, recurrent, and post-traumatic.

     Idiopathic Nightmares – are dream sequences that are not the result of trauma but often happen when a person is very stressed. People experiencing idiopathic nightmares may struggle with psychotic disorders, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or depression. Due to stress, the individual may be emotionally unstable, resulting in the inability to fall asleep, and then once they do, they wake during their REM cycle.

     Recurrent Nightmares – repeat frequently and manifest during times of high stress. They may also indicate that the dreamer is dealing with a conflict they cannot or will not resolve.

     Post-Traumatic Nightmares – these nightmares vividly recreate a traumatic moment. They are prevalent in individuals with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These nightmares may cause severe panic, anxiety, or depression episodes. Another difficulty with these nightmares is that the sufferer has trouble falling and staying asleep. Many PTSD nightmare sufferers self-medicate to cope. However, this exacerbates the problem.

*Another great link about parasomnia is here. 

My nightmare involves breaking a promise and losing my sobriety in order to deal with various situations where I would have used drinking to get me through difficult situations, and stressful times in my life or to quiet my mind.  When I wake up I have to literally walk through the entire nightmare to see that it was not real and I am safe in my bed.  Once I do that I am still stuck with the overwhelming guilt that takes a few hours to subside.

It has been nearly 2 years of sobriety and I still have these nightmares.  I still want to quiet my mind, give myself an out when times get difficult, and enjoy the release of the tension melting just by having a couple of drinks.  The carefree, relaxed person I would become for a few short hours and the depression that would swallow me whole when the headache set it didn't benefit me and sometimes that is hard to remember in the midst of a crisis but I am stronger than my demons.  I am learning to be comfortable with all of my feelings and that it is okay to sit in them, process them, and express them.

I learned something pretty profound from a friend a few years ago that they read in a book, I don't recall the book but the jist of what she said has stuck with me for years.  "We are taught to teach from our scars, not our wounds.  Wounds are still messy and need some work but the scars have healed and we have learned from them."

Wounds happen and we try to figure out what happened and how, as well as how to clean them up.  We could be in panic mode, fearful, or even in shock.  Depending on how severe the wound is recovery time could be days, months, or years.  An emotional wound is no different than a physical one and often it is harder to see the healing process.  If not taken care of properly they can even reopen causing more damage, even making them harder to heal.

After the incident that caused the wound, we can become hypersensitive to what caused it.  There may be hesitation in how you move forward or the situation could have been so traumatic that you don't know how to get beyond it and take the steps to heal.  When a person loses a piece of them they can physically feel the pain/sensation as though it is still a part of them.  Phantom pain is also present in an emotional sense and can be seen in the emotional baggage we carry around.

Once we have taken the time to heal our body and/or mind we are able to talk about our scars and understand them, learn from them.  We learn from our mistakes and the lessons others teach us from theirs.  The scar becomes a tool showing strength and resilience.  The perseverance to heal and come through the other side.  There will always be a reminder of what happened to us and teach others that they too can get through the healing of their wound.

We become the teacher of what worked for us, our pitfalls, the one step forward and three back.  We are able to break it down into bite-sized pieces with the knowledge that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Even though we have become experts in our own wounds there can be triggers, relapses into the past brought on by the actions of others and even ourselves.  In those moments we need to remind ourselves of the ability to work through them realizing that if we need help we ask so that we don't get stuck in the wound again.

The body and mind are beautiful things.  The ability to heal, adapt, and get stronger always amazes me.  I know my physical scars remind me of what I have endured and what was needed to make sure it fully healed.  It may have been medical attention to sew a cut up, a plastic surgeon to sew an ear back on, or a full hysterectomy which means learning to live life a new way because the body changes so much.  It could also mean years of therapy, medication, and learning who you are over and over again.  We are ever-changing beings that have to adapt to our environments and the people placed in our lives.  Days of self-growth coupled with a pity party here or there, sprinkled with unforgettable moments with those we care about.  I am still here, finding my purpose, living with my scars, and healing my wounds while I learn from those around me to trust, stand up for myself, and follow my journey.

I heard another quote the other day that I wrote down and of course, my ADHD brain can't remember where I got it from but it is powerful and true.  "We repeat what we don't repair."  If we don't take the time to heal our wounds they are going to keep opening and stay wounds.  We are going to continue to make the same choices in life that don't benefit us if we choose to ignore our emotional wounds/needs instead of making some hard choices to get the help we need and heal.

We are given this beautiful, hard life filled with so much chaos as a gift.  What are we doing with our gift?

I was recently getting all of my yearly checkups to go along with the multiple diagnoses that I have.  I have to get my heart checked every couple of years along with my lovely digestive system where we then update my primary care, therapist, and psychiatrist so we can tweak my meds.  There is nothing worse than taking medicine for your issues and they are not getting the job done.  My autoimmune system was found to be going haywire and I got various diagnoses through my 20's, 30's, and now a new one for my 40's.  I have Lupus which is in remission, PoTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome), Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, Dysautonomia, ADHD, Endometriosis (and all the lady part issues like cysts, fibroids, miscarriages, etc), Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Alcoholism and now Bipolar II.  

I have had labels my whole life starting with my childhood and "Learning Disabilities".  Each one has come with trials, learning curves, hospitalizations, medications, breakdowns, and build-ups.  I look back and think wow how freakin resilient am I to go through all of this as a single parent of four children, work, go back to college to get my AA in Criminal Justice, and tempt fate with relationships.  That last label though, really threw me for a loop.  It felt like rock bottom despair that this is my life and it is never going to get better.  I will never beat the label of Bipolar II.  We will never find the right medication combinations.  Life will stay in the space I was currently sitting in.

After a nice long pity party and some great conversations with my therapist, I realized it was just a starting point to figuring out the next part of my life.  I am doing genetic testing to figure out what medications are best for me.  With that new tool, we will be able to determine what has the highest probability of working and make sure it doesn't impact my other medications.

I am resilient, I have a wonderful team of doctors and an even better support system with my friends/family.  So we will take it one moment at a time and continue to live our best life.